I think it's time to go back to work. I never thought I'd utter those words. Granted, I love being at home and having the days to pretty much do whatever I want, but after awhile, it's kinda boring. I am starting to have the feeling of having no purpose lately. I think if I had kids, I might feel differently. Then again, that would be a job in itself. We are doing ok financially, but I do miss the days of knowing that every other Friday I would be receiving a paycheck in the exact amount I received 2 weeks ago. The sense of stability and security should not be overlooked (even though nothing is ever guaranteed...remember all those laid off over the past couple years?) The life of having your own business is an uncertain one. Checks & jobs have been coming steadily for Jason, but I think I got a reality check when we recently found out that a HUGE job he had been working on was put on hold. (read-->no more income from that one for awhile) That's a scary thought. Yeah, things are fine right now, but what happens if the others get put on hold for some unexpected reason. We never dreamed this would happen to this one in particular...it was a museum that is half way done being built.
My problem with jobs that aren't working from home is my ultimate HATRED for having to be somewhere. I guess that must be a commitment issue or something...I don't know. Maybe that's one to put on the books for the therapist. lol. It's the same reason I'm probably not a very good friend, too. If someone invites me to go out with them or tells me about some get together they're having in a couple weeks, I immediately have a sense of dread. I can say that I'll be there, but that may not be the truth. I alway end up having a great time, but I don't like to have the sense that "well, I said I'd go, so now I HAVE to..." I'd rather find out about a dinner with friends the day-of. I know that's counter intuitive to most people's sensibilities, but then I don't have the lingering cloud over me that I have to show up. I wonder if I just get the lack of desire to plan from my dad. He's the very same way. I wish I could change this, but whether I'd like to admit it or not, I've felt this way since I was a teen.
This, of course, sparks my neurotic way of over analyzing just about everything. I recently read in "The Happiness Project" the first instance I've ever heard anyone else feel the same way about another one of my issues. She was talking about having kids and how it's the one thing you can't take back. She was having these anxieties when she was pregnant with her first. She says that everything else in the world can pretty much be undone: you can quit your job, sell your house, even get a divorce if you ever changed your mind....but kids, there's no going back on that one. Now, that's not to say you would ever want any of those changes, but they were always available. I was most certainly glad to hear that once she had her baby, all those feelings and doubt were instantly inconceivable to her. Is this normal? I know I'm crazy to some degree but I can't deny the feeling of relief I felt knowing I wasn't alone in my thinking.
This has all been weighing heavily on my mind lately since the talk of babies in the near future has been on all of our tongues. I have always wanted to have a big family. I think of a house full of kids and noise and family and it makes me smile. So why do I still have this lingering anxiety?
On a completely different (and much lighter note), Jason and I always joke about which celebs we would have at a fantasy dinner party. They always include people or even characters that don't even exist in real life that would make for some really fun conversation. For instance a couple we always agree on are "Patrick Jane" from The Mentalist, "Gregory House" from House..and the like. I have compiled a girls' night list of my own to include both celebs and friends of mine that like to spice things up on a regular basis:
Bethenny Frankel
Kim Zolzciak and NeNe Leakes from Housewives of ATL
Chelsea Handler
Rod Benton
Angela Starr
Alicia Mohat-Sanchez
Mike Vasquez
Rachael Feinstein
Tori Spelling
Now put that group together in a room with plenty of wine and let the laughs begin!
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